that said i'm now going to complain alot because it's my diary & if i get bitched at in real life for bitching i should at least be able to bitch all want on *my* diary. hmmph.

i feel like i'm going insane. nothing makes sense to me anymore. everything i've ever believed & everything i believe currently are doing little dances in my head just making me confused. i think i'm starting to see things again. it's this house. it makes me nervous. i was really upset last night so i wrote four pages in my real life journal. i couldn't risk that someone i know would read what i have to say.

i want a portrait done of me but not of my face so maybe then it's not a portrait - it's a...well whatever. i want a picture done by an artist of me. maybe i can convince michael to do it but he only likes to draw scary things & miriam. & those weird contortionists off the the web. they were scary.

i just have to take a moment & rave about how arkham13 is the best writer on dland that i have encountered. his words just...captivate me. he pulls you in his world & for just that one moment everything is amplified by a 1000. i want to email him. but he makes me nervous. what would i say? i'm afraid i'd just sound stupid. people like me don't talk to people like him b/c we're afraid that they'll notice we don't have that grasp of language like they he does. & this is coming from someone who has been told quite a few times that she's a good writer. but this is different. this is like ray bradbury good. he's the kind of person you want to meet - maybe just once - screw them & hope that somehow you'll conceive this offspring with a stunning ability to write & observe & draw people in. but you don't because you know that those kind of people are ususally arrogant bastards. there's a story in stephen king's Nightmares & Dreamscapes that's similar, but kind of disgusting. my point is - everytime i read his diary - i wonder, what would he say about me if he ever met me? would he give me the same time & description & life in his words as he does other people. he wrote about a couple today & - it's just. wow.

& on that note i'm gonna go do something that doesn't involve sitting on my ass.

before & after