i guess i should start out by saying i don't believe in the existence of romantic love. i've been observing for awhile & i just don't see it. anywhere. oh sure movies try to make you think it exists but well...we know about how accurate movies are. i think what people think is romantic love is just a combination of lust & need to relive your childhood in new ways. you don't really want to think about it like that but it's true. every...*every* relationship you have after a certain age just becomes a repeat of something or everything that's happened to you before. i was reading another diary and finally realized this myself. i always knew it but it just hit home when i read it. so my point is - is that this thing - this fallacy called romantic love - isn't real or i guess isn't what we always thought it was. at least this is my opinion. if it did exist - i don't think there'd be as many people showing their bastardness & stuff.

i'm not really done with that but i wanna talk about something else that's been bothering me lately. and that's my inability to say no to people. well make that my inability to say no to most people. i'm too nice i think. i put other people's happiness before my own. i mean - i tell people that i'm happy & that i'm doing what i want, but this is possibly the biggest lie i tell on a regular basis. the next biggest lie? - that i never lie. yes. i, shanna, the mother of all falsehood claim not to lie. i lie. i lie a lot. every day. just not about what you'd expect me to lie about. so i promised myself that i'd not lie. i'd try it out. i'd be brutally honest. b/c everyone knows that it's great to have that one person who literally knows *EVERYthing* about you & still loves you all the better. but i cheated. i picked 2 people to experiment on. i've lied to both of them on so many occasions. i think maybe if they knew who they were they'd hate me for doing my experiments on them. but. i love both of them dearly. maybe not in the way that they want me to love them. i love them for the experience they've given me. for the smiles. they've both given me alot of shit to put up with in return but i've stuck with it. at times i've wanted to murder them both. but the fact is - i am a better person b'c of one of them - the other? that's a different story. remind me to apologize to them in about 5-7 days when they have the respiratory infection from hell. & to apologize for...well alot of stuff that i need to apologize for. i think inevitably it'll end up sounding like i'm apologizing to mcdonald's or something for special ordering my hamburger. some things are inevitable. all things are inevitable.

we will die. we will wither & grow old. we will love. we will lust. we will make mistakes. we will share our knowledge. we will all have families. maybe not the typical families. but they will exist. we will be healthy. we will be sick. we will be born. we will speculate. we will think. we will make mistakes. we will hate. we will dance. we will cry. we will smile. we will die.

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}In memory{
james doucette
196*-2001 may 16

may your next life fulfill your dreams - you'll live in our minds forever.

before & after