have you ever tried to explain a thought you had last night in a cough syrup induced, tired rambling to someone who is somewhat angry at you?

there i go again. i do this all the time. i know exactly what i was thinking. i just can't admit it to myself. i'm always making excuses. "it can't possibly be any fault of mine because of -insert lame excuse here-" fuck me & my stupidity. why can't i for once in my lame pathetic excuse for an existence be completely honest. i try i really do. but. sigh. i can't be honest because i'm afraid of the consequences.

because everyone knows that if they don't know the truth they can't use it against you. that's basically what my life has amounted to so far. running. never facing the past. never facing the truth. running through life with my eyes closed just waiting for it to happen & be over as quickly as possible.

i have such a problem living in reality. i read so much fiction looking to add that little touch of excitement. that little something that'd never happen to me in this lifetime. it's like in the glass menagerie - the older brother goes to see so many movies so he can escape reality. that's me in a nutshell. if i run fast enough - if i create enough fiction in my mind - i won't have to face my reality. my life. mostly my past. but if i blame my stupidity on my past i'd just be making another excuse. so i've got about 20 minutes to stop being myself & be me. if you can follow that.

i'm not ready to lose them b/c of something i said. not this early.

before & after