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::Control:: �new �old �profile �note �book �rings �bio �cast ::Celebrity:: �Pocket Bishonen �my alter ego �sacred cave �recommend �82% untelligent ::Previously:: 02/28/2007 - lj 12/07/2005 - moved. 07/20/2003 - legally gay 2 04/12/2003 - be my light in the gloom 04/07/2003 - the best entry i have ever written in my entire life ::Diaries:: �abhorsen �Aeryn42 �annericefan �arkham13 �greschya �justchris �scathing words [john's blog] �larrielou �perceptions �rachelle- �solstice36 �thatkiss �unclaimed �wandering41 �whale-girl 
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2001-08-21| 1:19 a.m. < empty > i wish someone would explain to me why this is happening. why can't the happiness stay. just a few weeks ago i wrote that i was finally feeling happy again but ... something happened. maybe i was wrong, maybe i made it all up. maybe. all i know is that not 5 minutes ago i suddenly & most surprisingly burst into tears. no warnings. no reason. i'm tired of this. i'm tired of my mood changing every 5 minutes. i want to be fucking stable in something for longer than a week! i mean dammit, why do i have to feel like this - i hate it so much. the urge to cut, the crying for no reason, i don't want to be sad anymore. i want to feel infinite again. but i don't. and life goes on. and i cry. and i feel happy. and i cry. and i feel happy. the cycle continues. on a happier note my new page design is almost done. it looks cool so far to me. :D much thanks to arkham13...he is a god. my heart is racing. for no good reason. it likes to do this alot. this can not be good. a cute boy at work asked me for my number so he can call me when he's in austin next. this was sunday of course. i gave him my cell # cuz i don't know my phone number yet. did i mention he's cute? oh & did i mention i've had a crush on him for some time? he's not the original crush boy but he's better. i need a vacation. not just lounge around time but to go somewhere & do something that's not boring. i have this sudden urge to go to disney world. i've never been to disney land though. i also have a strange urge to go camping. now i know something is wrong. *very* wrong. nikolai loves you.
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