i was thinking just a moment ago. remembering. reflecting on the past school year. mainly cause i'm anxious about going back to austin. i hope that living together doesn't make me hate michael & miriam. i hope that i can actually stick to the studying game plan - i aiming on making a's this semester to aid my ailing gpa. i don't even want to talk about that. it sucks hardcore. i really slacked off these past two years. i need to get my act together. also, my main point of talking about remembering is that i realized i'm happy. i may not be quite on track with my long term goals, but things are slowly coming to fruition. and maybe the reason that some of them aren't really coming together is because i wasn't meant to do that particular thing. maybe i'm not going to culinary school because i'm not meant to have a cooking show or world famous restaurant. maybe i'll just follow my family & open a small restaurant. if my brother & grandfather could do it so can i. so i'm happy in knowing that if i stick to it - the goals i have will work themselves out one way or another. the only problem is sticking to it.

there is this one guy at work. he's sort of older & lecherous. he can be a real prick. yeah well he said something to this guy at work i have a crush on that's just really embarrassing for me. I HATE YOU LEE VAUGHN YOU ARE AN ASS!. anyway. i'm not going into details but it was very bad.

one last thing. i have this urge to cut...but not because i'm sad or depressed or angry but because i'm happy. i want to cut because i like the rush of endorphins & the way it feels. it can be exhilirating if done in the right mood. anyway i'm sure that will make a couple people think i've lost my mind. & so i'm off to bed.

nikolai feels carnal.

before & after