i've got a song in my head. an ooooollllldddddd one. it's on the first wives' club soundtrack i know. anyhoo. it's that song it goes "you don't own me" followed by a lot of lyrics i don't remember but the point is i keep having these recurring (sp?) nightmares where my teeth are either reall loose or falling out or both. i was telling someone about this & apparently in dream talk it means i feel like i'm losing control. i could see the relevance immediately, but i also thought about what i don't feel like i have enough control over & i realized that almost every thing in my life i have no control over. my friends, my family, my school, my job, my lack of a love life which i'm not necessarily complaining about. okay i am & i have been for the past week but the point being & i do promise to get to a point very soon & that almost everything has been decided for me. i can't go to culinary school unless i want to whore myself on the street to be able to pay for it myself. i can't go to tulsa unless i do above said whoring. two of my dreams because my dad can be an uptight asshole. i can't get a tattoo unless i want to give up everything my parents have given me. i can't dye my hair yellow like i like unless i really want to be a whore for real. i don't feel normal. maybe cuz i'm not but. i want something stable. that's really the point of me whining so much today. a stable something. relationship maybe. i think that sounds good. this goes back to me needing a boy. a nice stable boy who knows what he wants & doesn't make decisions on his life based on possible money earned & what his parents want.

you know what i don't want to write about this anymore. i'm starting to feel whiney & that's not really me. i do it a lot but it's not *me* just focus on this: i need stability.

before & after