but seriously, i just can't find the motivation to do anything. i want to be pick up & leave & just drive somewhere. maybe to roswell, or vegas or new orleans or northern california. maybe mexico. i just want to go. somewhere. i'm tired. of not getting out, of not experiencing new & exciting things. i want to catch a ride on the moonlight & jump off somewhere near dawn. *sigh* you understand, right? i bet alot of you feel the same way. you just need to do something new. maybe not forever, maybe just a little bit. maybe you'll jump in your car & never come back. that's the ideal plan, right? to leave everything behind that makes you hate your life. i don't hate my life, i'm just no longer excited by it. i wake up everyday to the same room, the same house, the same housemates, the same school, the same classes. the same. & it makes me completely insane.

i don't know what i want to do. nothing. everything. who knows? if i can't figure it out then i think maybe i'm doomed to a life of a 9-5 only they're never 9-5 .... they're 8-5 & that's what makes it the worst.

i don't want to be this girl anymore. then one who smiles & pretends she's happy. the fat one who pretends that no one thinks of her as the fat one. the girl who can't decide on a hair colour let alone a career. the girl who just wants to cook & hates class. even fun classes. especially fun classes. the girl who never thinks she's pretty. the girl who can't find a boy let alone the boy. the spontaneous girl trapped in a monotonous life. the girl in the corner with her knees pulled in with her head down crying so softly that on one can hear her. or if they do - they just ignore it. i want to live for me & no one else. not my parents. not my friends. no one. but me.

i want to hitch a ride on the moonlight, catch the tail of a falling star and follow the sun till dawn. or maybe forever.

~ciao~

before & after