i've always been an excellent judge of character - i don't know why or how. but i form opinions about people fairly quickly & they're usually about 98% right. so it came to no surprise recently that someone i never trusted & never really liked turned out to be a bastard. i've promised to not talk about it so i won't b/c contrary to popular belief i do know when to keep my mouth shut - for the most part.

on a different note - I just have to say - i don't know what goes through people's minds when they cheat on someone. if you're in love & say you're in love - then you shouldn't need to go whore around on the side. i could never cheat on someone - even if i didn't really care about them that much. i couldn't bring myself to do that. it's so ... unforgiveable. that's another thing i don't understand - why would someone forgive them so easily? i don't think i could ever date anyone who had ever cheated on their girlfriend in the past. i don't care how much they've claimed to change - they did it once - they'll do it again. but i'll step off my soap box now.

i have a question for all 3 people who read my diary. how do you know when you're in love? i've never been in love. but i mean - how do you know for sure? i don't really trust my gut feelings when it comes to myself. i guess i'll find out sooner or later. i keep thinking about because i don't think i could ever have sex with someone unless i was in love with them, but i'm not even sure what in love means to me. & i guess that's what love really boils down to. it's subjective. it's different for everyone. & i guess that's the way it really should be. while life would be essentially simpler if there existed a love checklist with an agreed upon set of symptoms - that kind of love would be more like a disease to me than an emotion. "the subject displayed on a number of occasions the following symptoms: sweaty palms, 'butterflies' in the stomach, and general feeling of wistfulness. we have prescribed for her the following medications & she seems to be doing much better" if only.

it's the end of the school year again & i'm just staring at the abysmal mess that's my room. i've packed alot of stuff but there is still shit everywhere. why can't magick packing gnomes really exist? then i'd never have to pack anything again. i really don't even have that much keepable stuff. my problem is - is that i like to keep every scrap of paper it seems. i don't need the used blue book - or the torn plastic walmart bag - but i have such a difficult time throwing them away. it's sad really. packrat should be my middle name.

i caught a nasty bug from this stupid idiot at work. he came to work on the 5th all coughing over everything & sneezing & not washing his hands like he should have. stupid stupid boy. so now i'm sick. grr. & i'm supposed to go on a date tomorrow but if i'm not better by then i can't go. don't want to go spreading this around now do i.

oh & happy mother's day to all the mums out there. i have a paper to write & a room to pack or i'd be at home right now too. but since i couldn't be home - my parents are off gambling away my college fund. sigh. oh well.

=^_^= luv ~ Nikolai

before & after