i had lunch today with suzanne at the red onion - i love that place. it has the *bestest* food. yum. & then i went with her & her sister to their mom's house tonight & their mom bought me dinner. :) it was nice. really good too. i had cajun seasoned grilled snapper. but they called it something different. snapper bourbon street or something. i thought suzanne's little sister was going to cry when she saw me smoke. then the little (at the time) bitch puts out my cigarette 2/3 of the way through. it's hard explaining to a 13 yr old who's never smoked that the cigarette will taste like nastiness if you relight it. blech. on a tangent. i love suzanne's mom. she's great. she's syrian & has the coolest accent ever. her mom loves me cuz i compliment her. she has the coolest stuff in her house from all over the world. she told me tonight if i ever needed to get away from my family i could stay with her & she would be mom. :) sigh.

we ate dinner at this italian restaurant that had a live band & a dance floor & after we were done eating & were just sitting around - we watched all the couples dancing. it made me feel sad. i dunno how to explain it you know. just alone. :-/ oh well. i guess i'll get over it. i'm too codependent i think. maybe not. i miss all the people i never kept in touch with. i need to let the past stay in the past i think. i'm doing a lot better than i ever have i think. for one i actually have self-confidence it's not all* act anymore. just partially. i only have half the confidence in myself that i make people think i have. if that makes sense. i think my greatest fear in life right now is being proved wrong. in anything. it's hard to explain other than i've worked so hard trying to convince myself & my family that i know what i want in life & that i can be successful at whatever i've decided that is at the moment that i think being wrong would be i dunno...devastating i guess. i don't really know what i want to do though. the peace corps sounds better & better everyday & with the money i make maybe i can live in europe somewhere afterwards. maybe spend a few months back here cuz i'll have been gone for 2 years you know, but after that just take the money & live somewhere that doesn't involve a continent named america. maybe i'll meet a hot foreign guy with lots of money & never have to do anything other than what i want & we'll vacation on the coast of france & live in a mansion in morrocco. heh. just kidding. no seriously i'm kidding. :) well except for the hot foreign guy part. i don't know what it is but guys that aren't american are so much more attractive to me. well most of them. well okay so not most - there are butt ass ugly guys everywhere. but they're just sexier i guess. accents are great. sigh. um i'm rambling now so that means i should prolly get to bed. :)

nikolai loves most of you.

before & after