friday i posted the first paragraph of the story i am writing. i like it. erin joked that i was writing a romance novel. a couple others said it was good after i prodded them and forced them to reveal whether or not they liked it. john said i have grammar problems. i blame spell check. and one final statistic is no one...NO ONE said anything about it unless i specifically asked them. that makes me think it is not so good. but then again i have horridly low self esteem right now and will not even walk around my room naked as usual for fear of seeing myself in the mirror. yes. that bad.

i went home this weekend. parents' home home. i actually had a bit of fun. i got home late on friday because i am a horrible procrastinator with no motivation. i went swimming. i saw my adorable 4 month old niece with the pointy ears. she was wearing pyjamas i bought her for xmas. i love my brother and sister in law. one piece of advice i have for anyone with immediate family or friends that are reproducing is when you buy the baby a gift - buy clothes that are too big that they can grow into. their parents will love you because as the gifts taper off they won't have to buy as many new clothes. always buy big. unless they are like 15. then they aren't a baby anymore and will hate any clothes you buy them anyway. my 11 year old cousin is trying to grow up too fast. it's cute. i remember being her age. she has this crimping iron and she crimps her hair like everyday. she left it plugged in and it was 5 am and well you can prolly see where that went. more about that later. my dad turned the heater on in the pool and i swam and it was fun. i discovered that if ever in a boat i wouldn't need a life jacket. one word. boobies. my cousin and i swam until dusk when it got too cold to stay out. and i showed her orion. and she showed me how to dance to i love rock and roll (the song). my watch stopped working. i got lots of food. love. my. mommy.

i came home. got here around midnight. ran into rob. miriam came home with chuck the hot in tow. his friend chad was there too. i have fallen in love with the idea of chad. HE IS SO GODDAMN FUNNY. like straight out of a kevin smith movie. i half expected jason mewes and kevin smith to show up. chuck bought a ps2. i am even more in love with chuck. we played tekken tag for THREE HOURS. i could have thought of more fun ways to spend 3 hours with chuck but i don't think that's ever going to happen. see there's the low self esteem again. anyway we ended up staying up till 5 am or so. smoked some weed. y'know the usual. slept through all my classes the next day.

today i had my appointment with the psychiatrist. i think a prereq for being one is to be a dick. miriam made a smartass remark about how that's why i'd make a perfect one. just cuz i'm a lil bitchy sometimes. i don't like the psychiatrist as much as i like my psychologist. my psychologist says fuck and doesn't tell me to not smoke pot or not have as much caffeine. my psychiatrist has the action figures for every star trek doctor. i thought that was cool. i would have never talked to him again if that hadn't been the case. he asked lots of questions in ways that made no sense to me. so i would sit there thinking and the dialogue would go something like this:
doctor: -unintelligible question-
me: um hmm. well i think...(trail off) i mean i dunno(trail off) (mutter to self) ...um... what do you mean?
doctor: (looks frustrated)rephrases question or changes subject.

it was really hard talking to him because he never gave any like nods or anything that told me what was enough and i could stop talking. he was sort of an ass. but i'm moving on now.

i think that's pretty much it. i will try to keep updating but being depressed and all i haven't really cared or wanted to. i just want to sleep or talk to this one person who can't talk because they're busy. and life sucks. and i'm bored. and it'll eventually change. and i'll be wrong about something. or everything.

and then we'll all die.

before & after