oh quick apology for not updating in a while.

chuck and his friend chad came over again tonight. WOO! chuck. hot. i will seduce him. i so will. even if it means doing things that make me less fat. yesss. chuck will be mine. then i can have a cute little almost bisexual boy to call my own. although i think having a real bisexual boy would be not that good. checking out guys together would only be entertaining for so long. then eventually we'd get tired of checking out girls together. no not bi, but girls are pretty lots. not as hot as seksey yummy boys like chuck. -melt- guys in the flesh are better than guys far away. sorry john. to make myself sound less liks a superficial ass, chuck is smart too. way smart. and. AND. he's going to culinary school. i was about 3 seconds away from humping his leg when i found that out. only problem is, i don't think chuck has much direction in life. i mean he has plans for what he wants to do, and he's making plans to do them. he just likes drugs too much. waay too much. and i think that'll be a problem for him in the future. he's still super hot though. i've got this inkling that he knows i'm horribly madly in crush with him. it probably has a lot to do with miriam and rob. and his friend chad is so f-ing funny. and i think he thinks i was flirting with him and he was pouty. swear to god. -smile- of course i could always be imagining things. you see what you want to believe.

i had another gallbladder ickiness of pain attack monday. i missed my classes because of it. it hurt so much. i finally figured out that of my maalox, aspirin, slice of bread routine to try and make it stop hurting...it was the bread. i know this because i did the maalox and the aspirin. and then puked it all up. sexy i know. then i ate bread and lay in my bed with a baggy full of ice on my abdomen and eventually the pain subsided enough to let me doze off. of course when i woke up there was a large wet spot where i had lain on the baggy and smooshed the water out of it. i was ready to remove my internal organs with a spoon on monday. i would have sold my soul to satan to not have been in pain. but what i ended up doing was kneeling by the toilet and praying to God through teary eyes to please make it stop hurting.

i haven't prayed in a long time. i think it has a lot to do with the fact that i'm having problems of the believing in God variety. (side note: god is any deity, God is christian god in my entries) there's just no way that anyone can know for sure, and those that claim they do are just as easily slapped with a schizo affective disorder diagnosis and medicated heavily. i don't want my belief in God if any to just be fire insurance. what's the point of believing in God just so you don't go to a hell that may or may not exist? i was waxing philosophic today about souls today.(i don't even think i used that correctly, i'm just trying to sound pretentious and arse-like) anyway, i have this theory which is sort of silly but makes perfect sense. okay here goes. our souls are with us to record everything about our life. what we did, our hopes and dreams. everything. then when we die, there is this place somewhere, the best analogy is that it's this huge supercomputer. and our souls go there and "upload" everything about our lives that they recorded. this way every living thing with a soul is remembered. it helps the universe grow and mature. it's a living thing also. what? why else would we be here? anyway, after our life is uploaded the souls are "formatted" but like harddrives the erased material is still accessible. there is still an echo of our past lives. that's why we remember memories that aren't ours. that's why we have dreams where we're at our house, but it's not our house. inexplicable phobias. weird quirks. all explainable. anyway that's my theory in a nutshell. no i've never read douglas adams.

going to sleep now.

nikolai is resurrected, but still weak.

before & after